Cracks in the Wall: Chapter One

Did you already read the Prologue? If not, click here to start reading this book from the beginning.

When asked about my post-traumatic stress disorder, I often provide one specific analogy. First, close your eyes and imagine a solid, red brick wall, which stands firmly upright inside your mind. This wall holds back waves of rushing water – my favorite analogy for the waves of emotions that pass through our brains throughout the day.

During an average day, you experience different stressors and triggers, all which cause feelings of anxiety, anger, sadness, and fear. Luckily, your mind possesses a firm, red brick wall – a wall constructed, brick by brick, with your various coping mechanisms for dealing with these emotions.

Many therapists and counselors highlight the importance of processing and experiencing emotions as they come, but many of us do the opposite: we bottle up our feelings, until one day they pour out in a tsunami of emotion. Either way, we use our red brick wall, our coping mechanisms and ways of managing stress, to avoid frequent outbursts of anger or sadness.

Sometimes, the waves become too much for the wall and they break through, causing bricks to scatter in all directions. This is a completely normal occurrence when one reacts to triggers in their environment.

I possess a red brick wall in my own mind. Throughout my childhood and adolescence, this wall allowed me to bury certain emotions, especially those related to my parents’ divorce or the loss of a loved one. Every once in a while, however, the emotional current became too much for the wall to bear. In these instances, I would cry out and scream at someone, or a group of people, completely undeserving of my verbal punishment.

I distinctly remember a day in sixth grade gym class, when I yelled at a group of teammates who cheered me on, as I struggled to complete a scooter race. My booming voice filled the air with a string of barely coherent expletives, which echoed off the white brick walls and then re-entered my eardrums.

A wave of regret and embarrassment soon followed this outburst of rage, as it always did. There’s certainly a lot to unpack there, as I will discuss in a future chapter. During these instances, my red brick wall came crashing down and I lost control, if only for a moment.

Throughout my teenage years and most of my twenties, I maintained a similar pattern. I buried any feelings of anger, sadness or anxiety deep inside and presented an image of a mild-mannered, kind, and easy-going young man to any passerby. However, I experienced almost yearly outbursts, where I lost control and yelled at friends, girlfriends, or my brother over a variety of triggers. Some of these instances were the result of pure, unbridled rage that spilled over, whereas others were driven by anxiety, guilt, or feelings of insecurity. Nevertheless, all these incidents occurred.

As of this writing, there remains no way to change the past. However, many methods exist to enable humans to learn and grow from our past experiences and mistakes. All these instances could have been avoided, as I will explain throughout the second half of this book.

We now arrive at the reason for my analogy, which you might be able to guess from the title of this chapter. Although my wall served as an imperfect method to stem the flood of incoming waves of emotion, it held when subjected to most stressors and triggers. However, after experiencing several traumatic events, described in the first half of this book, cracks began to form across the surface of this metaphorical structure. Each red brick started to chip and wither, under the weight of unforeseeable life experiences.

During the latter months of my deployment to Afghanistan in the spring of 2020, I possessed a wall so cracked and broken it resembled the remains of a long-vacated, ancient European castle. Now, even smaller triggers caused my heart rate to race and my blood pressure to rise. I routinely raised my voice at colleagues during disagreements and, on occasion, slammed doors after abruptly walking out of meetings.

For example, I grew enraged at our personnel officer when she notified me that the unit would not submit my combat medics for badges, which I felt they deserved for their actions of courage and valor. Even when I did not act out in anger, I often wore an expression of disgust or annoyance and inadvertently balled my fists.

When I met with a new therapist in the fall of 2020, while maintaining proper COVID-19 distance and masking procedures, I verbalized my “cracks in the wall” analogy for the first time. “It’s like I’m Bruce Banner from the first Avengers movie, when he says he’s always angry,” I told my therapist. “I used to hold the anger back in most instances, but now I feel like the wall breaks down quicker than it ever did before. I get angry over the smallest things – things I always recognize were trivial, in hindsight.”

Those who acquire post-traumatic stress disorder do so in their own, unique and unforeseen way. One does not seek out trauma, but it often finds us all the same. This is why, as I stated previously, there is no reason to compare our trauma. However, many people who suffer from PTSD develop similar symptoms, including flashbacks, nightmares, irritability, avoidance, difficulty concentrating, and trouble feeling positive emotions.

Throughout this book, I will discuss some of my own traumatic experiences, including those which formed the cracks in my red brick wall. I will then cover several key strategies I use to cope with post-traumatic stress disorder and transform my perspective on life. Last, I will outline several other strategies I’ve discovered since, which may help you in your own journey.

Post traumatic stress disorder is not a sickness or disease someone simply heals from, like the common cold or the flu. PTSD causes lifelong symptoms for all the victims it inhabits. PTSD can lead to a loss of identity and sense of self. PTSD can destroy relationships. PTSD can turn seemingly strong humans into gruesome and disheartening statistics.

There is, however, another way. A better way. A way out of the darkness and into the light (as naïve as it might sound). I wrote this book to help you find your way out, as I found mine. Thank you for accompanying me on this journey. I hope it helps.

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